What a Week

We pulled in our driveway about 9 o'clock tonight, and I am beat- physically, mentally, and emotionally. I think that the more I get things in order with my Grandma's affairs (cleaning out the house, getting it on the market, finalizing the estate sale, etc.), the more I am letting myself "feel" all that is going on in my life. These past 4+ months have been a whirlwind, where I have been surviving only to make sure that everyone else is surviving.

Today, we pulled out of my Grandma's driveway, after a week of endless work, late nights, and stress, and Jason turned to me and said "So, babe... Does it feel good to have things pretty well cleared out, and see that 'For Sale' sign in the yard?". My response.... silence, followed by tears streaming down my cheeks, and choking up a quiet: "It is bittersweet".

Yes, it is nice to know that this is one step closer to being off my plate, not that it won't be plenty full with other ongoing matters (Grandma, Joe, my mom's continued dilemma, etc.), but it is also really hard- that house is full of so many of my memories. As we drove out of that driveway, I hoped to feel a sense of accomplishment for all of our hard work over the past week, instead I finally "felt" a lot of other things. This chapter in my life is closing. My Grandma has always been more like another mom to me, and she has always thought of me as a daughter. So, seeing her decline is hard in and of itself, but she is my direct link to my dad- who I miss so very terribly (my best friend)- all that I have left of him. I think about him daily, but this past week even more so. I learned family history and stories that I have never known, found numerous family heirlooms, pictures, forgotten treasures, etc. Part of me felt like he was right there with us, another part longing and wishing that he were- sharing the joy, laughter, frustration, and tears.

This side of my family has a tendency to have coincidental dates for things like births, deaths, marriages, burials, and even names- another story for another time. And as we pulled past my Grandma's house, presumably for the last time that I see it as "her house", and those tears seemed to roll faster; the more I tried to not let them show, Jason proceeded to grab my hand and say: "I know it has to be hard, especially with what Monday is....". I have been thinking it all week, but didn't say a word, as we carried out our work. August 18th would have been my Grandpa's birthday, and it was the day I lost my Dad, in my arms, 8 years ago. Again- coincidental timing.

My Dad- John Olson: May 9, 1947- August 18, 2000. I miss you!!

Anyway, just a little post- some insight as to where we have been for the past week or so, mentally and physically. I promise a more uplifting post tomorrow, complete with Brayden's continuing 5th Birthday fun.